Paul was feeling overwhelmed before bed. All he wanted was to unwind after a long day, but his mind kept going to a work party that was still a few months away.
He kept imagining the worst:
‘Who will I talk to?’
‘What if I seem awkward?’
‘What if I say something off?’
Then came a second wave of worry: ‘Why am I worrying about something so far away?’
If Paul’s situation sounds familiar, you know how exhausting it is to get caught in a spiral of worries. And the harder we try to quiet them, the louder they seem to get.
It’s during these moments where self-compassion can help you feel more at ease and more grounded.
You might have heard to advice to be your own best friend, but take a moment to consider how easy it is to put into practise. Consider what your self-talk is like:
A lot of us lean towards the critical end. But, notice how differently we respond when someone else comes to us with a worry — we often speak in a supportive, compassionate tone towards others than we do towards ourselves. So it shows that the compassionate voice already exists within us; what matters is finding practical ways to turn it inward.
Here are three ways to be your own best friend and offer yourself the same compassion:
1. Channel a trusted voice.
If being your own best friend feels hard, try imagining the voice of someone you trust — a parent, partner, friend, or anyone whose words help ground you. What might they say in this moment? What tone would they use? Let that voice guide how you respond to your worry.
For Paul, thinking about what his mum might say helps him feel calm. She might tell him:
“It’s okay to feel nervous about the party. But remember, you’re great at connecting with people once you get there. Try to trust yourself — you’ve handled social situations before, and you’ll do just fine this time too.”
Focusing on your strengths and qualities — in this case, how Paul has handled social situations before — can also help shift attention away from worry and reminds you that you’re capable of handling whatever comes your way.
Another common approach is to flip the perspective: ask yourself how would you speak to someone going through the same worry?
2. Shift your attention to your wise mind.
Anxiety can make our thoughts spin out of control. But inside, there’s a part of you that notices when you’re stuck — a calm, steady voice that balances our emotions and reason. Think of it like warm water: fluid and balanced, able to flow with the situation without freezing or burning you.
Imagine this wise part of you as a calm, steady voice inside, helping you see things more clearly — even if it’s just spotting that the fear is stronger than the facts right now. Ask yourself: what would I say if I wasn’t feeling overwhelmed about this?
For example, Paul’s wise mind might remind him:
It’s natural to feel nervous. But the party might go better than I expect. I might get to know some of my colleagues better and enjoy the party.
Practising this kind of self-compassion can help replace fearful thoughts with a more calm and reassured perspective.
3. It’s about trusting yourself, despite doubts and fears
We all have different ways of encouraging ourselves — what feels supportive to one person might look different for another. Being your own best friend isn’t about forcing positivity or pretending fear isn’t there. It’s about talking to yourself from a place of trust, even when doubts and fears show up.
One way to do this is by using affirmations or grounding statements that you believe and then work towards feeling it overtime:
For example, Paul might tell himself:
I know I’m nervous, but I’m going to go to the party and I’m going to focus on enjoying myself and connecting with my colleagues.
Paul can’t predict how the party will go, but by focusing on the confident and calm way he wants to show up, he begins to ground himself in a positive intention. He acknowledges how he’s feeling and makes a personal choice to focus on how it might turn out for the better.
Speaking from a place of confidence and trust can help you re-claim control over worries. Even if you don’t believe it and it feels unnatural at first, you’re teaching your mind to focus on what’s real and helpful, instead of the fears that try to hold you back. The more you practise it, the more natural and genuine it becomes. Over time, this way of thinking will come easily, even when you’re worried.
Summary
Being your own best friend isn’t just for moments of peak stress or anxiety. It’s something to practise in both good times and challenging times. It might feel impossible or out-of-reach during peak moments of stress, but that’s often when it could be most needed. And Research often tells us that self-compassion is proven to help ease stress and take us to a point of thinking clearly and more in control.
For example, if you did something you’re proud of, tell yourself ‘I’m glad I did this. I did well and I’m happy about that.’ Acknowledging your progress helps build trust and confidence in yourself. The more you bring this kind of voice into different parts of your life, the more natural and familiar it will feel.
Content for Thought
If it’s not too overwhelming, try putting it into practise right now:
Take a moment to notice your self-talk. What kinds of thoughts do you get that come from a place of fear? The next time you get those thoughts, practise replacing the fearful voice with one that comes from a place of trust. What would you say to yourself? What might change in the way you view the worry? How would you feel?
