Disagreements can often leave us on edge. We might feel our heart racing, chest tightening or stomach in knots.
Take a moment to reflect:
How do you usually react when a conversation starts getting heated?
We all have different ways of coping during conflict. Being aware of our current response is the first step to creating space for a calmer, more grounded response during a disagreement.
Here are four reminders to help keep perspective during disagreements:
1. Disagreements aren’t always personal.
Imagine someone says something you disagree with — you start feeling agitated and tension builds in your body. You’re ready to respond to them. But pause for a moment (really, pause!) and check in with yourself: is the conversation is about you, or is it a difference in perspectives on a topic?
Disagreements can trigger strong emotions because they tend to touch on things that matter to us. It might be our beliefs, like our view on politics. It might be about our values, like what quality time means to us. It might be about personal preferences, like how we like to organise our space. Often, they aren’t personal accusations, but about topics like these that are external to us.
Simply being aware that disagreements aren’t as personal as we think they might be can change how we approach them.
2. How you talk is just as important as what you say.
What often makes a conversation feel personal is how we communicate. Whether you prefer a casual or formal way of addressing an issue, try expressing your feelings without blame. ‘I’ statements are often recommended because they reduce blame toward the other person, putting focus on your feelings about a topic.
For example, saying ‘You never make enough time for me,’ can sound like an accusation, putting the other person on the defensive. But saying, ‘I feel like we haven’t spent much time together lately,’ creates space for a healthy, constructive conversation.
3. Not all conversations need a resolution.
Topics like faith, politics, and other deeply held beliefs and values may not have a resolution. Accepting this can be important, because if a conversation touches on a subject that might hurt the other person’s feelings and cross into personal territory, the wisest approach is often to refrain from saying anything. It’s best to be cautious about what you say or don’t say!
4. Really, truly, listen before you respond.
When someone says something we don’t agree with, it might feel tempting to jump in and defend our point of view. But giving the other person space to be heard is sometimes all that’s needed to calm a heated discussion. Even during disagreements, it’s important to remember that you’re on the same team.
Summary
Taking moments to pause during disagreements can help you regulate your emotions and respond with awareness rather than impulse.
Content for Thought:
Think back to the last disagreement that impacted you. Was it personal? If it wasn’t, would you have handled it differently?
If you find yourself feeling tense during heated in disagreements, it can also help to visualise yourself practising responding to disagreements with more grace and calm.
