4 Reminders about Disagreements
Do you ever find yourself feeling on edge during disagreements? With your heart racing, chest tightening, and or a pit in your stomach?
Take a moment to reflect:
How do you usually react when a conversation starts getting heated?
For a lot of us, disagreements can leave us tense and defensive — but they aren’t always as personal as they feel. How you view a disagreement can affect how you respond in the moment.
Here are four reminders to help you stay grounded during disagreements:
1. Disagreements aren’t always personal.
Imagine someone says something you disagree with — you start feeling agitated, and the tension builds in your body. You’re ready to respond to them without a moment’s thought. But, take a pause for a moment (really, pause) and ask yourself whether the conversation is really about you, or is it a difference in perspectives a topic?
Disagreements can trigger strong emotions because they tend to touch on things that matter to us. It might be our beliefs, like our view on politics. It might be about our values, like the importance we place on quality time. It might be about personal preferences, like how we like to organise our space.But oftentimes, they aren’t personal accusations, but about topics or issues external to us.
Simply being aware that the disagreements aren’t as personal as we think it are can change how you approach a conversation.
2. How you talk is just as important as what you say.
What often can make a conversation feel personal is how we express ourselves. Whether you prefer a more casual or formal way of addressing an issue, try to express your feelings without blaming the other person. “I” statements are often recommended because they reduce blame towards the other person and put the focus on your feelings.
For example, saying something like, “you never make enough time for me,” can sound like an accusation and naturally put the other person on the defensive. But saying, “I feel like we haven’t spent much time together lately,” opens the door to a healthier, more constructive conversation.
3. Not all conversations need a resolution.
Topics like faith, politics, and other deeply held beliefs and values may not have a resolution — and that might be for the best. If a conversation touches on a subject that could hurt the other person’s feelings and cross into personal territory, the wisest thing that can be done is being cautious about what you say, or don’t say. Remember that not every opinion or thought needs to be vocalised.
4. Really, truly, listen before you respond.
When someone says something we don’t agree with, it can be tempting to jump in and defend our point of view.
Sometimes, all it takes to calm a heated discussion is being heard. Giving the other person time to speak and really listening to their words can automatically ease the tension. It’s most important to remember that you’re on the same team.
Summary
Imagine, for a second, you got into a disagreement. Normally, you might find yourself heated. But this time, you’re imagine yourself responding with more grace and calm. What could help with the transition?
With consistent practice, taking brief moments of pauses during disagreements can really help us regulate our emotions, and respond with intention instead of reacting impulsively.
The next time you find yourself in a disagreement, try to separate the topic from the person to see whether or not it’s personal. If it isn’t personal, this simple shift in perspective might help you respond feeling more grounded.
Content for Thought:
Think back to the last disagreement that impacted you. Was it personal? If it wasn’t, would you have handled it differently?
